Joke of the day

[duke63]

https://www.lcdviews.com/2020/06/08/sta ... DF5t67oYps" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

[duke63]

[C00kiemonster]

I know.

[Cav]

Ah crap.. I'm paranoid!

[D41]

Turn it on it's side.... there's a number in there.

[duke63]

7

[Stonesie]

If Boris did road signs...

[Stonesie]

[Monty]

[Stonesie]

[duke63]

Boris's plane is near ready after its repaint. Just one letter to be added today.

[Blade]

[duke63]

https://rochdaleherald.co.uk/2020/06/23 ... te-family/" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

A Burnley man has told us that he fears moves for more diversity will mean that people will be forced to marry outside of their immediate family.

Bill Board told us, “For years Burnley residents have married within their immediate families. That’s our tradition and we feel that it’s now under attack.”

Bill’s wife and sister, Orla Board told us, “People laugh at us but it’s quite handy. Whereas most people get together and have to learn what their partner likes; we didn’t have any of that. I already knew Bill doesn’t like onions but likes a blow job first thing.”

Bill told us, “It made meeting Orla’s parents for the first time really easy. I got in the car, drove around the block, got out and my parents were there. No difficult conversations or anything. And all it means is that you have to keep 1 out of every 4 kids locked in the loft of your house because they’re so horribly disfigured.”

Orla told us, “It’s our traditions and they’re under attack. Next they’ll be saying we shouldn’t marry cousins or even distant relatives. Well no way. It’s not for us. You can take your lefty Marxist diversity and shove it. If brother wants to marry sister then it should be allowed. It was good enough for people in the Bible and I don’t see you condemning Songs of Praise.”

It’s rumoured that residents will march in protest this weekend at the idea of marrying outside your immediate family.

[Monty]

Tim Martin, and five other reasons not to go back to Wetherspoons

https://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/alc ... 0626197889" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

TEMPTED to ignore your moral compass and visit Wetherspoons when it reopens? Come to your senses with these reminders.

You still have some dignity

Admittedly not much after you spent lockdown shuffling round your flat in the same pair of pants for two weeks. Still, you can avoid hitting absolute rock bottom by disassociating yourself from a pub chain that told laid off workers to get a job at Tescos.

It’s cheap but so is Lidl

A microwaved pie with cold chips and a lukewarm Peroni for less than a tenner sounds like a bargain. However, you can get even more low quality food and piss-like lager for less at Lidl, plus you won’t have to listen to regulars who think Farage has some pretty good ideas actually.

You’ll be bankrolling Tim Martin

He might look like a lobotomised Worzel Gummidge but Tim Martin’s rolling in it. Do you really want to support a man who can’t even use his millions to buy clothes that aren’t polo shirts? No. Save your money for comparatively worthy causes like illegal arms dealers.

Slug & Lettuce exists

If you enjoy bland and underwhelming, try your local Slug & Lettuce instead. It’s comparable to Wetherspoons in that it has weird carpet and you have to walk half a mile up stairs and through corridors to find a toilet, but it doesn’t come with any association to Brexit.

Your cupboard’s full of stockpiled booze

Have you already forgotten that you can get half cut and have a disappointing time with your mates at home? Grab one of the many cheap cans you bought when this all kicked off, fire up Zoom, and pretend to enjoy talking about football.

[duke63]

https://rochdaleherald.co.uk/2020/06/07 ... -refugees/" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

Man saying all lives matter wants Navy to torpedo boats full of refugees


A Rochdale man who keeps saying that all lives matter is also in favour of the Royal Navy being used to torpedo boats carrying refugees.

Bill Board, who lives in a 2 bedroom terrace house worth over £100,000 told us, “I keep seeing this black lives matter stuff. But for me, it should be all lives matter. I’m a humanitarian at the end of the day and don’t think people should be judged on the basis of their skin colour. All lives are important.”

Board, who collects beer mats and used to be a gas lamp lighter went on, “I saw an interesting thing on YouTube as well. It’s about those refugees coming here in boats. Nobody was stopping them. They just get in a boat in France and come over here. You ask me the Navy should torpedo them. That would stop them. I mean, it’s dangerous and they’re risking the lives of little kiddies. They’re all paedophiles as well.”

Bill has several health conditions that we’re using to pad this article out a bit. A few years ago he had a knee operation and is still using a mobility scooter to get around. The scooter is taxed and has insurance. Bill mostly wears tracksuit bottoms but on a Friday he puts jeans on to go to the club.

Bill also had cause to complain about a disappointing meal he had a Wongs Chinese buffet about 22 years ago. He was given £40 off his bill after his story appeared in several local newspapers. He still talks about this as the highlight of his life.

[Monty]

[duke63]

[Stonesie]

[D41]

[Monty]