Joke of the day

[Norfolknchance]

Certainly made me giggle.

[duke63]

[Monty]

[Kwacky]

David Cameron has finally issued a formal denial of the rumour going around, saying that while the initiation ceremony was going on he was having a quiet pint in his local pub.

He told reporters, "I was in the Hog's Head at the time."

[Norfolknchance]

So old but it made me giggle this morning.

[duke63]

A Bloke calls the company and orders their 5 day – 5 kgs weight loss programme.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and standing before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe from J.C. dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

The sign reads, 'If you catch me, you can have me.'
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few kilometres later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.
The same girl shows up the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5 kgs as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5 day – 10 kgs programme.
The next day there's a knock at the door and standing before him is the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.
She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me, you can have me'.
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and despite his best efforts, no such luck.
So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10 kgs, as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order their 7 day – 25 kgs programme.
'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone.. 'This is our most rigorous programme.'
'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'

The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, you're mine.'

He lost 31 kgs that week. .. ..

[Blade]

[duke63]

[Blade]

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

[duke63]

[Kwacky]

is that the wheel for your belly?

[Blade]

Assuming it wasn't part of the planned trip itinerary

[Jack]

My next door neighbour just confronted me about missing items from her washing line!
I nearly shit her pants!!!

[duke63]

[Blade]

[duke63]

[Kwacky]

My friends all think I'm addicted to drinking brake fluid, but I can stop any time.

[duke63]

[duke63]

[Blade]