Joke of the day

[Spudda]

Bin It !!

[duke63]

[duke63]

Today at an ATM in Greece.

[Spudda]

I knew there was a reason

[Norfolknchance]

[Monty]

I was telling my eldest (7) about the New Horizon Mission to Pluto and showing him a few photos when Sarah piped up "Was it a manned mission".

I told her is was and they're just turning the space ship around now

[duke63]

You should have said they sent women this time as they are more expendable.

[Jack]

[Blade]

To cover up the mess the melted Mars bars made

[kiwikrasher]

[Norfolknchance]

Man goes into a chemist and asks for some condoms. Assistant asks do you need a paper bag with that.
Nah she's not that bad, replies the man.

[Monty]

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas, and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this **** badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear?.... do you understand?!!"

The rancher nodded politely, apologised, and went about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....

"Your badge, show him your fcuking BADGE!!"

[Kwacky]

nsfw

[video]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MkWJb8GoLwo[/video]

[Kwacky]

The top 10 funniest jokes of the Fringe
1."I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It's Hans free" - Darren Walsh
2."Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse ... but enough about Kanye West" - Stewart Francis
3."Surely every car is a people carrier?" - Adam Hess
4."What's the difference between a 'hippo' and a 'Zippo'? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter" - Masai Graham
5."If I could take just one thing to a desert island I probably wouldn't go" - Dave Green
6."Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That's not a miracle. That's tapas" - Mark Nelson
7."Red sky at night. Shepherd's delight. Blue sky at night. Day" - Tom Parry
8."The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves" - Alun Cochrane
9."Clowns divorce. Custardy battle" - Simon Munnery
10."They're always telling me to live my dreams. But I don't want to be naked in an exam I haven't revised for..." - Grace The Child


If that's the best they can come up with I'm giving it a miss.

[Spudda]

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money.
Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes
into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife, 'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes!
He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.
If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain...do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!'

His wife responds, 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear.
He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom.
Be strong. I love you too!'

[duke63]

[duke63]

[Jack]

[kiwikrasher]

[Deegee]

Harsh, but v funny.