Joke of the day

[duke63]

[Bratty]

Pmsl that's brilliant Duke.

[Godzilla]

Not exactly a joke, but it made me laugh:

[Kwacky]

[Godzilla]

http://www.tickld.com/x/32-things-briti ... th-in-2014" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

[Kwacky]

I was slightly concerned to read that the NHS has agreed to receive and treat several people from Liberia with Ebola - my fears were allayed when the report went on to say that Malaysian Airways have volunteered to fly them here.

[Kwacky]

http://www.theladbible.com/articles/hav ... prank-ever" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

That's cruel but funny

[kiwikrasher]

http://www.theladbible.com/articles/hav ... prank-ever

That's cruel but funny

Credit to him he took it on the chin.

[Deegee]

Fair one, top bloke for taking it like a man.

[Norfolknchance]

Sorry I got bored half way through.

[Jack]

It was a few minutes before the services started. The congregation was seated in the pews and talking quietly. Without warning, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for an exit, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman. The man sat calmly, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy was in front of him.

Satan walked right up to the old man and said, “Do you know who I am?

The man replied, “Yes, I sure do.”

“Aren’t you afraid of me?” Satan asked.

“No, sure ain’t.” said the old gentleman.

“Do you know I can kill you with a single word?”, asked Satan.

“I don’t doubt it for a minute,” replied the old man, in an even tone.

“Don’t you realize that I could cause you profound, horrifying agony for all eternity?” persisted Satan.

“Yes,” was the calm reply.

“And yet you’re still not afraid?” asked Satan.

“Nope,” replied the man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, “Well then, why aren’t you afraid of me”?

The old man looked Satan right in the eye and replied, “I’ve been married to your sister for 52 years.”

[Bratty]

Lmao nice one Jack

[Kwacky]

What do Cliff Richard and Robin Williams have in common?

They've both done Aladdin.






too soon?

[duke63]

[Casper]

A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class:

"What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Kevin says: "I wanna start out as a Marine Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest hooker, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Kevin, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson . . . .

And how about you, Sarah?"

"I wanna be Kevin¹s hooker."

[Kwacky]

"I decided to sell my Hoover... well it was just collecting dust."

If that's the best joke from the Edinburgh fringe festival they should stop running the event.

[Norfolknchance]

I thought the one that came 2nd was better

"I've written a joke about a fat badger, but I couldn't fit it into my set" - Masai Graham.


Still a bit shit though

[Jack]

The Good Life

They’re not happy in Gaza …
They’re not happy in Egypt …..
They’re not happy in Libya …..
They’re not happy in Morocco …..
They’re not happy in Iran ……
They’re not happy in Iraq …..
They’re not happy in Yemen …
They’re not happy in Afghanistan …
They’re not happy in Pakistan …..
They’re not happy in Syria …..
They’re not happy in Lebanon ….

SO, WHERE ARE THEY HAPPY?
They’re happy in Australia …
They’re happy in Canada ….
They’re happy in England ….
They’re happy in France …..
They’re happy in Italy …..
They’re happy in Germany ….
They’re happy in Sweden ….
They’re happy in the USA …..
They’re happy in Norway ….
They’re happy in Holland …
They’re happy in Denmark ….

Basically, they’re happy in every country that is not Muslim and unhappy in every country that is!
AND WHO DO THEY BLAME?
Not Islam.
Not their leadership.
Not themselves.
THEY BLAME THE COUNTRIES THEY ARE HAPPY IN !
AND THEN- They want to change those countries to be like, THE COUNTRY THEY CAME FROM WHERE THEY WERE UNHAPPY!
Excuse me, but I can’t help wondering…
How damn dumb can you get?
Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.
Lets have a look at the evidence:>
– No Christmas
– No television
– No nude women
– No football
– No pork chops
– No hot dogs
– No burgers
– No beer
– No bacon
– Rags for clothes
– Towels for hats
– Constant wailing from some idiot in a tower
– More than one wife
– More than one mother-in-law
– You can’t shave
– Your wife can’t shave
– You can’t wash off the smell of donkeys
– You cook over burning camel shit
– Your wife is picked by someone else for you
– and your wife smells worse than your donkey
– Then they tell them that “when they die, it all gets better”???

Well No Shit Sherlock!….

It’s not like it could get much worse!

[Deegee]

One day, a very successful self made man named Tony, died. When he was in front of St Peter being judged, he was told that he had committed the sin of greed, and that he could not go to heaven right away. He asked what he did and St Peter told him that he cheated on his tax return and belonged to a dodgy offshore scheme, St Peter said that the only way he could get into heaven would be to do penance and sleep with a 25 stone, stupid, ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. Tony decided that this was a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven. So off he went with this enormous woman, pretending to be happy.

As he was walking along, he saw his friend and old golf partner Geoff up ahead. Geoff was with an even bigger, uglier woman than he was with. When he approached Geoff he asked him what was going on, and he replied, "I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the Inland Revenue out of a lot of money...even more then you did."

They both shook their heads in understanding and figured that as long as they have to be with these women, they might as well hang out together to help pass the time.

Now Tony, Geoff, and their two beastly women were walking along, minding their own business when they could have sworn that they saw their old friend and drinking partner Paul up ahead, only this man was with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous blonde supermodel/centerfold.

Stunned, Tony and Geoff approached the man and in fact it was their friend Paul. They asked him how is he with this unbelievably good looking babe while they were stuck with this pair of munters. Paul replied, "I have no idea, and I'm definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life (and don't forget I'm dead), and I have had nearly five years of the best sex any man could hope for.

There is only one thing that I don't understand. After every time we have sex, she rolls over and murmurs to herself, "Bloody income taxes!!!!!"

[Kwacky]

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