Joke of the day

[Kwacky]

The inventor of the sandbag has died today.

Tributes have been flooding in.

[Deegee]

The Cardiologist and the Mechanic.

A car mechanic was removing a cylinder head from a car when he spotted a well-known Cardiologist standing at the door of the workshop. The Cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage;

"Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"

The Cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the car. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked;

"So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new. So how is it that I make £28,000 a year and yet you make £200,000 a year when you and I are doing basically the same job?

The Cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic, "Try doing it with the engine running."

[Kwacky]

[duke63]

[duke63]

A new family have just moved in next door.

They are half American and half North Korean and they seem to be their own worst enemy.

[duke63]

News report! No shit sherlock.

[D41]

I got stopped by the cops the other night....the officer said "Hold it right there!...Where were you between 5 & 6??"

Me..."Kindergarten??"

[D41]

I just got off the train from San Francisco and the porter came running up...."Sir! Can I carry your baggage??"

Me- "No, let the f*cking bitch walk!!"

[D41]

My girl asked..."Baby, does my arse look fat in this??"

Me...."Yes, but to be fair, it's a really small bathroom...."

[Kwacky]

A large fly just flew into my kitchen and exploded.








I think it was a Jihadi Long Legs

[D41]

My girlfriend took me to bed the other night to make love for the first time.

I was very nervous......she said "Don't worry Darren....size is not important"

I'm like "Yes it **** is.....I don't like a big pussy!!"


*apologies if I already posted that.

[Mac]

I bought some shoes off a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day...

[D41]

NOT A JOKE!!

Just an observation....my 13 year-old asked me "Dad, are you really going to do comedy??"

"Yep".

"Just tell all your jokes to blondes....they laugh at everything!!"

Smart kid.

[Norfolknchance]

I call my penis Oscar Pistorius.

It only goes inside for a disappointingly short period of time.
it shoots with little provocation,
I like shooting it in the shitter.

[Kwacky]

[C00kiemonster]

The irony now is that Oscar Pistorious will wake up to a burglar actually using his toilet.

[duke63]

[Kwacky]

Why did Mr. Ohm marry Mrs. Ohm?

Because he couldn't resistor.

[Blade]

My wife said I looknfate in this dress can you give me a compliment.

I said you have perfect eye sight.

[Blade]

A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?” “I was stung by a bee!” she said. “Where?” he asked. “Between the first and second hole.” she replied. He nodded and said, “Your stance is far too wide.”